Inability to Re-Create World War I Prevents Hitler Clone Experiment From Being Successful

Sao Paulo, Brazil- Dr. Jorge Mengele announced that his attempt to clone Adolf Hitler and provide him with all the life experiences of the original Hitler had failed, Monday.

Mengele, the Grandson of Nazi doctor Josef Mengele, announced this result to his 28 year experiment at a press confrence at the Sao Paulo Hilton. Mengele attributed this failure to elements that were beyond his control saying, "All of the elements of Hitler's life which I was able to control occured successsfully. The death of his father, taunts from fellow school children, awkward erections, the cancellation of his favorite radio program, "Jurgen Spinkelmann's Fascist Fun Hour". I was unable, however to re-create World War I and its aftermath, which had a huge impact on Hitler."

According to press packets released by the doctor the experiment started with 88 clones, with the goal that a few of the clones would be successful. For various reasons the ammount of viable clones dwindeled over the years.

"There were a couple who died from SIDS, several were killed in automobile accidents over the years, a few committed suicide, one entered the priesthood, another became a cartoonist, one converted to Judaism, a few became Soldiers of Fortune, a bunch just write horrible fan fiction," said Mengele, "so in the end I had approximately 10 clones who were in a position to re-capture the fuerur's glory.

The biggest problem came when no massive wars broke out in South America, for the young Hitler clones to go and fight in. Lack of a world war prevented any of the young Hitler's to gain combat experience, or see a once powerful nation's economy destroyed. While the conflict over the Falkland Islands presented a possible opportunity, Brazil's refusal to enter to aid the defeated Argentinians prevented this from occuring. That the war happened when the oldest of the clones was only 11 years old did not help.

Mengele informed the audience that he knew as far back as 2001, that the experiement would not be successful. Saying, "After that time I did what I could to make money off of this expensive failure."

This included a reality show where several of the clones lived in a house together and their interactions were recorded and clues were slowly revealed to inform the housemates that they were exact genetic duplicates of each other. Mengele also harvested organs from clones when they got into fatal or near-fatal accidents, sold them into the sex trade, and used them as a cheap source of labor. He also sat 3 dozen of the clones in front of three dozen type writers for 3 dozen days, creating the well-known Brazilian addage that, "if you sit 3 dozen Hitler's in front of 3 dozen typewriters for 3 dozen days they'll write The Complete Works of Dr. Seuss".

As a result of his actions he was able to re-coup all of the money, nearly 7 million Canadian dollars, which he had spent on the experiement and is expected to gross more following this announcement.

"He'll make more money from interviews, a tell-all book, and touring the mad scientist lecture circuit," said mad scientist finance expert Vincent Rawlings.

When asked why he chose to announce the results of his experiment at this time Mengele responded, "Well, I just sold all of the living clones to Iran to make up an elite all-Hitler fighting squad. I just thought you all should get a head's up."

Count of Monte Cristo Not The Inventor Of The Monte Cristo Sandwich

Camas, WA-Defending 4A State Knowledge Bowl Champions Lewis and Clark High School lost their bid for the championship after incorrectly stating that the Count of Monte Cristo was, "the guy who invented the Monte Cristo sandwich."

In the Final Round of the Washington State Knowledge Bowl Tournament Lewis and Clark faced Knowledge Bowl Heavyweights Kamiaken and Capital High Schools. As the round progressed, it became close between Capital and Lewis and Clark. After the standard 48 questions, a tiebreaker round began between the two teams. After the initial 3-question tiebreaker, both teams had answered one question correctly. After this, the match became sudden death.

After six questions went unanswered by each team the question was asked, "Who was the Count of Monte Cristo." As both teams scrambled to ring in, Lewis and Clark beat Capital to the punch. All eyes on the team turned to the team's literature and Pop Culture expert Senior Joel York. After thinking for a short period of time he was, "pretty sure that was the inventor of the Monte Cristo sandwich." Though his teammates were skeptical, they offered it as an answer, only to be informed that it was wrong from a laughing judge.

The question was given to Capital High School's team whose team captain and Literature, Math, and History expert Forrest Ulmer, correctly answered, "Edmond Dantes", winning the state championship for the school from Olympia.

York's teammates were shocked at the loss. "[Joel's] answers have been right in the clutch so many times in the last two years," said fellow Senior Ben Masterson, "He's never wrong."

In addition to shock at the defending 4A champions' defeat, much discussion has been made as to why such a massive error might have occurred. Both of the leading theories revolve around the fact that York's secondary area of expertise is popular culture.

The first theory is that York confused the Count of Monte Cristo with real life English aristocrat John Montagu. Montagu, who was the 4th Earl of Sandwich's title, is the source of the word sandwich, whose creation is attributed to the Earl as a way for him to eat whilst he gambled.

The second and less followed theory is that an ad campaign from 3 years ago led to confusion in York's Pop Culture filled head. In the summer of 2003 Arby's® Restaurants introduced their Monte Cristo sandwich. Along with the new menu item was introduced an anthropomorphized sandwich voiced by Jean Reno, known as the Count of Monty Cristo®. The count sought revenge against the Arby's Oven Mitt® who had wronged him many years earlier, in a series of adds which aired until early 2004 and concluded with the Oven Mitt's® suicide. After the add campaigns conclusion Arby's® found themselves without their mascot and revealed in a new series of ads that the previous campaign had been a dream had by the Oven Mitt® after reading Alexandre Dumas' classic 1844 novel.

Despite the loss, Lewis and Clark's team members remained positive. "After all" said Junior Jimmy Hu, "there's always next year."

Famed Allusionist Chaim Witz Found Dead at Age 47

Las Vegas- World Famous Allusionist Chaim Witz was found dead in his suite in the Bellagio Hotel, Sunday.

Witz was born Thomas Locke in Northbrook, Illinois on July 14th, 1958. At a young age Witz began to show an interest in allusions. Inspired by such great turn of the century allusionists Faysal Al Husayni and Dr. Francis Solomon, considered by many to be the greatest Allusionists of all time. After earning his Degree from Northern Iowa University, the only college in the United States to offer an Allusion major, he set off for New York City to pursue his dreams.

First, Witz changed his name from Thomas Locke, taking the moniker of Chaim Witz, itself an allusion, being the birth name of "Kiss" frontman Gene Simmons. In New York Witz arrived at the beginning of the Stand-Up Comedy Renaissance of the 1980s. While many referential comedians such as Dennis Miller and Edgar "Lefty" Malcolm became incredibly wealthy and famous, Witz and many other allusionists, did not gain as large a following as those enjoyed by comedians.

This all changed in 1990, when Witz performed the first of many high profile televised allusions. His fame increased as did the daringness of his allusions, earning him the nickname the "David Copperfield of allusions". While, Witz said he considered himself more like the "Jack Dawkins of allusion."

When asked how he pulled off such amazing allusions he responded with a cryptic allusion informing the reporter that he couldn't answer the question and that he, "had to be vague, like Queequeg."

By the mid-1990s, however Witz descended into the world of substance abuse. He frequently joked about his problems likening his battle with alcahol to "Grendel's last night in Heorot". After struggling with his addiction for years he eventually overcame his alcaholism, he once again expressed himself in a reference to the expic poem Beowulf saying " [He] fe[lt] like Wiglaf when he defeated the dragon."

After revealing that he had completed treatment at the Sierra-Tucson Drug Treatment facility in Arizona, Witz began to plot a come-back. He returned to the Poetry Lofts and Literary Cafes of Greenwitch Village, where he had gotten his start in the mid-1980s, working to re-build his allusion abilities.

In 1998 he performed his first major television allusion in 4 years. The special was a ratings goldmine, earning Witz a contract for 5 specials over 3 years. He subsequently performed on several specials as well as touring both nationally and worldwide, performing for sold out crowds in theatres around the world.

After touring extensively for 5 years Witz was exhausted and felt that he needed to spend more time with his family. So, he decided that it was time for him to settle down. In 2005 Witz signed a contract with the Bellagio Hotel and Casino, saying that he would perform at the resort exclusively, through 2010. He had been performing nightly to sold out shows since he started performing at the Bellagio last September, when he was found dead Friday morning.

Witz was about to begin a publicity tour for his new book Choose Your Allusion: A Beginner's Guide to the Veiled Reference, published by Simon & Schuster on June 15th.

When informed of Witz's death his most notable student, Allusionist Dorcas Finklebaum said that "[She had] to quote Roscoe Conkling when he said, 'now he belongs to the ages'."

Witz is survived by his wife Electra, 35 and sons Asher, 24, Dan, 22, Gad, 20, Issachar, 18, Zebulun, 16, Joseph, 14, Benjamin, 12, Naphtali, 10, Judah, 8, Levi, 6, Simeon,4, and Ruben, 2.

IB Sex Pact a Horrible Failure

St. Louis Park, MN-Members of a sex pact made last year between 4 graduates of St. Louis Park Senior High School’s International Baccalaureate or IB program, announced that the pact was a failure Monday.

The pact was created after SLPSHS seniors Jonathan Schulmann, Guy Waters, Jarvis Andrews and James Lester saw the 1999 teen comedy “American Pie”. A raunchy film whose plot revolves around a group of high school seniors who vow to lose their collective virginities before they graduate, and is notable for a scene in which a then unknown actor named Jason Biggs made love to an apple pie. Fulfilling such a pledge by graduation was impossible, as the group saw the film only 2 weeks prior to their own graduation from high school.

Instead the group pledged that when they returned from their collective colleges in a year’s time, each would have lost their virginity. As the year progressed however, doubts of the pledge’s fulfillment multiplied.

Despite the excitement and optimism that comes with the start of one’s college career, roadblocks were soon encountered by the group’s members. Obstacles which they would find difficult to overcome in the pursuit of their goal.

First, Lester was killed in a freak spelunking accident just days before he was to leave for his orientation at the University of California, Los Angeles. Despite this tragedy, bigger problems lay ahead for the remaining living members of the pact.

A student at the University of Minnesota in nearby, Minneapolis, Schulmann failed to engage in sexual intercourse during his first year of college. His overbearing mother’s calls for him to, “Bring a nice girl home” because his mother, “want[ed] grandchildren”, which was a blessing in all but name failed to work. The main reason for this, insider’s believe is that Schulmann was focusing on transferring to another school.

“Jon was really unhappy.”, said Schulmann’s younger brother Kelsey, “It was his last choice and it didn‘t help when he found out that his neighbor was a heroin addict.”

Andrews learned the hard ways that statistics can be misleading. As a student at Sarah Lawrence College in Bronxville, New York, Andrews thought that the 7 to 3 female to male ratio would work in his favor. Soon after his arrival Andrews learned, much to his chagrin that his new school was not the “smart babe wonderland” he had believed it to be. He found the campus to be mainly populated with “Pats”.

“’Pats‘ are girls who are like the character Pat from Saturday Night Live,” explained Rod Postman, Andrews’ roommate, “they aren‘t exactly desirable.”

Guy Wales’ story however, is quite different, Wales, who attends Cornell University in Ithaca, New York has book smarts, however, is lacking in the common sense department. During his freshman year it was discovered that he was a “yes man”, Wales could not say no to anything. Offers of activities, food, drink, or controlled substances were all accepted by Wales. As a result of this Wales accidentally upheld his end of the pact early in the year during an intoxicated romp. He has since had numerous such encounters, causing him the only member of the group to date to have done so.

On the subject of the next year Schulmann was optimistic. “I got into Macalester this year next year I‘ll get into a girl‘s pants!” Schulmann exclaimed when reached for comment.

King Arthur Killed in Coup

London- Arthur, King of the Britons was killed on Thursday following a military coup to overthrow the British head of State.

Arthur returned to the public eye last October when he returned from the dead, to help Britain in its greatest hour of need, in the wake of several drug scandals featuring famous Britons. Shortly after his return, Arthur’s popularity began to quickly decline. First he removed the popular Queen Elizabeth II from power and took her place on the throne. This was followed by a replacement of all modern arms possessed by British military personnel around the world with weaponry that would have been commonplace in post-Roman Britain. Following nearly 7 months, where Arthur put ridiculous policies into place, British military implemented a coup to remove the monarch from power.

In retrospect, some believe that the return of “Arthur” may have been nothing more than an elaborate, yet deadly hoax. “Now that I think about it,” said a Beefeater who spoke on the grounds of anonymity, “the Ravens didn‘t even leave the Tower of London.” This of course being a reference to the famous superstition, that Arthur’s return would cause the Tower’s famous birds to leave.

A state funeral will be held in the late monarch's honor next week.

APA Announces Top Crises of 2006

Boston, MA- The American Psychological Association announced their projection of the top crises of 2006 today. The list that has been released for 15 years, contained some crises who had never appeared on the list as well as several that have been on the list for many years. "This years list contains everything from Jack Abramoff to AIDS. It runs the gambit" said APA spokesman Sean Weaver in a statement released early Monday. The APA Crisis list is an important indicator of what issues may face the United States in the year ahead.

The APA 2006 Top Crises
1. Mid-Life
2. Identity
3. Sexual
4. Time (3)
5. Atomic Train (to be narrowly averted by Rob Lowe)
6. Oil
7. Social Security
8. Energy
9. Time (1)
10. Global Warming
11. Legitimacy (Too Legit!)
12. Education
13. Time (2)
14. Jack Abramoff
15. AIDS (1980s Weight Loss Product)
16. AIDES
17. AIDS (Aquired Immune Deficancy Syndrome)
18. Y2K (Biding its Time)
19. Y3K (In League with Y2K)

Abbrevation Breeds Confusion

Pullman, WA-The use of the abbrevation IMF bred confusion Thursday at Washington State University. The Abbreviation used by [Introduction to Comparative Politics] Professor. Dr. Francis Hawley, which stands for The International Monetary Fund, bred speculation from the class's students. A partial list of the speculated answers is printed below.

I.M.F?

Incredible Monkey Farm.
Illustrater Michael Ford.
Illusions Make Fools.
Ignorance Makes Friends.
Igloos Mean Fun.
Isle of Man Funds.
Intel Makes [F]rocessors.
In Mobile, Floods!
Illiterate Men Fart.
Ingest Meat Forever!
Implicit Meanings Flower.
Industry Manufactures Fear.
Imbecilles Might Fete.
Interrogating Major Fowler.
I Massaged Franks. (Especially Charlemenge!)
Illyrians Mate Frequently.
Ivanhoe Mauled Freud.
Intern, My Friend.
Internment Made Foes.
Instead, Mark Fell.