IB Sex Pact a Horrible Failure
St. Louis Park, MN-Members of a sex pact made last year between 4 graduates of St. Louis Park Senior High School’s International Baccalaureate or IB program, announced that the pact was a failure Monday.
The pact was created after SLPSHS seniors Jonathan Schulmann, Guy Waters, Jarvis Andrews and James Lester saw the 1999 teen comedy “American Pie”. A raunchy film whose plot revolves around a group of high school seniors who vow to lose their collective virginities before they graduate, and is notable for a scene in which a then unknown actor named Jason Biggs made love to an apple pie. Fulfilling such a pledge by graduation was impossible, as the group saw the film only 2 weeks prior to their own graduation from high school.
Instead the group pledged that when they returned from their collective colleges in a year’s time, each would have lost their virginity. As the year progressed however, doubts of the pledge’s fulfillment multiplied.
Despite the excitement and optimism that comes with the start of one’s college career, roadblocks were soon encountered by the group’s members. Obstacles which they would find difficult to overcome in the pursuit of their goal.
First, Lester was killed in a freak spelunking accident just days before he was to leave for his orientation at the University of California, Los Angeles. Despite this tragedy, bigger problems lay ahead for the remaining living members of the pact.
A student at the University of Minnesota in nearby, Minneapolis, Schulmann failed to engage in sexual intercourse during his first year of college. His overbearing mother’s calls for him to, “Bring a nice girl home” because his mother, “want[ed] grandchildren”, which was a blessing in all but name failed to work. The main reason for this, insider’s believe is that Schulmann was focusing on transferring to another school.
“Jon was really unhappy.”, said Schulmann’s younger brother Kelsey, “It was his last choice and it didn‘t help when he found out that his neighbor was a heroin addict.”
Andrews learned the hard ways that statistics can be misleading. As a student at Sarah Lawrence College in Bronxville, New York, Andrews thought that the 7 to 3 female to male ratio would work in his favor. Soon after his arrival Andrews learned, much to his chagrin that his new school was not the “smart babe wonderland” he had believed it to be. He found the campus to be mainly populated with “Pats”.
“’Pats‘ are girls who are like the character Pat from Saturday Night Live,” explained Rod Postman, Andrews’ roommate, “they aren‘t exactly desirable.”
Guy Wales’ story however, is quite different, Wales, who attends Cornell University in Ithaca, New York has book smarts, however, is lacking in the common sense department. During his freshman year it was discovered that he was a “yes man”, Wales could not say no to anything. Offers of activities, food, drink, or controlled substances were all accepted by Wales. As a result of this Wales accidentally upheld his end of the pact early in the year during an intoxicated romp. He has since had numerous such encounters, causing him the only member of the group to date to have done so.
On the subject of the next year Schulmann was optimistic. “I got into Macalester this year next year I‘ll get into a girl‘s pants!” Schulmann exclaimed when reached for comment.
The pact was created after SLPSHS seniors Jonathan Schulmann, Guy Waters, Jarvis Andrews and James Lester saw the 1999 teen comedy “American Pie”. A raunchy film whose plot revolves around a group of high school seniors who vow to lose their collective virginities before they graduate, and is notable for a scene in which a then unknown actor named Jason Biggs made love to an apple pie. Fulfilling such a pledge by graduation was impossible, as the group saw the film only 2 weeks prior to their own graduation from high school.
Instead the group pledged that when they returned from their collective colleges in a year’s time, each would have lost their virginity. As the year progressed however, doubts of the pledge’s fulfillment multiplied.
Despite the excitement and optimism that comes with the start of one’s college career, roadblocks were soon encountered by the group’s members. Obstacles which they would find difficult to overcome in the pursuit of their goal.
First, Lester was killed in a freak spelunking accident just days before he was to leave for his orientation at the University of California, Los Angeles. Despite this tragedy, bigger problems lay ahead for the remaining living members of the pact.
A student at the University of Minnesota in nearby, Minneapolis, Schulmann failed to engage in sexual intercourse during his first year of college. His overbearing mother’s calls for him to, “Bring a nice girl home” because his mother, “want[ed] grandchildren”, which was a blessing in all but name failed to work. The main reason for this, insider’s believe is that Schulmann was focusing on transferring to another school.
“Jon was really unhappy.”, said Schulmann’s younger brother Kelsey, “It was his last choice and it didn‘t help when he found out that his neighbor was a heroin addict.”
Andrews learned the hard ways that statistics can be misleading. As a student at Sarah Lawrence College in Bronxville, New York, Andrews thought that the 7 to 3 female to male ratio would work in his favor. Soon after his arrival Andrews learned, much to his chagrin that his new school was not the “smart babe wonderland” he had believed it to be. He found the campus to be mainly populated with “Pats”.
“’Pats‘ are girls who are like the character Pat from Saturday Night Live,” explained Rod Postman, Andrews’ roommate, “they aren‘t exactly desirable.”
Guy Wales’ story however, is quite different, Wales, who attends Cornell University in Ithaca, New York has book smarts, however, is lacking in the common sense department. During his freshman year it was discovered that he was a “yes man”, Wales could not say no to anything. Offers of activities, food, drink, or controlled substances were all accepted by Wales. As a result of this Wales accidentally upheld his end of the pact early in the year during an intoxicated romp. He has since had numerous such encounters, causing him the only member of the group to date to have done so.
On the subject of the next year Schulmann was optimistic. “I got into Macalester this year next year I‘ll get into a girl‘s pants!” Schulmann exclaimed when reached for comment.
posted by Patrick at 7:39 PM
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