Inability to Re-Create World War I Prevents Hitler Clone Experiment From Being Successful
Sao Paulo, Brazil- Dr. Jorge Mengele announced that his attempt to clone Adolf Hitler and provide him with all the life experiences of the original Hitler had failed, Monday.
Mengele, the Grandson of Nazi doctor Josef Mengele, announced this result to his 28 year experiment at a press confrence at the Sao Paulo Hilton. Mengele attributed this failure to elements that were beyond his control saying, "All of the elements of Hitler's life which I was able to control occured successsfully. The death of his father, taunts from fellow school children, awkward erections, the cancellation of his favorite radio program, "Jurgen Spinkelmann's Fascist Fun Hour". I was unable, however to re-create World War I and its aftermath, which had a huge impact on Hitler."
According to press packets released by the doctor the experiment started with 88 clones, with the goal that a few of the clones would be successful. For various reasons the ammount of viable clones dwindeled over the years.
"There were a couple who died from SIDS, several were killed in automobile accidents over the years, a few committed suicide, one entered the priesthood, another became a cartoonist, one converted to Judaism, a few became Soldiers of Fortune, a bunch just write horrible fan fiction," said Mengele, "so in the end I had approximately 10 clones who were in a position to re-capture the fuerur's glory.
The biggest problem came when no massive wars broke out in South America, for the young Hitler clones to go and fight in. Lack of a world war prevented any of the young Hitler's to gain combat experience, or see a once powerful nation's economy destroyed. While the conflict over the Falkland Islands presented a possible opportunity, Brazil's refusal to enter to aid the defeated Argentinians prevented this from occuring. That the war happened when the oldest of the clones was only 11 years old did not help.
Mengele informed the audience that he knew as far back as 2001, that the experiement would not be successful. Saying, "After that time I did what I could to make money off of this expensive failure."
This included a reality show where several of the clones lived in a house together and their interactions were recorded and clues were slowly revealed to inform the housemates that they were exact genetic duplicates of each other. Mengele also harvested organs from clones when they got into fatal or near-fatal accidents, sold them into the sex trade, and used them as a cheap source of labor. He also sat 3 dozen of the clones in front of three dozen type writers for 3 dozen days, creating the well-known Brazilian addage that, "if you sit 3 dozen Hitler's in front of 3 dozen typewriters for 3 dozen days they'll write The Complete Works of Dr. Seuss".
As a result of his actions he was able to re-coup all of the money, nearly 7 million Canadian dollars, which he had spent on the experiement and is expected to gross more following this announcement.
"He'll make more money from interviews, a tell-all book, and touring the mad scientist lecture circuit," said mad scientist finance expert Vincent Rawlings.
When asked why he chose to announce the results of his experiment at this time Mengele responded, "Well, I just sold all of the living clones to Iran to make up an elite all-Hitler fighting squad. I just thought you all should get a head's up."
Mengele, the Grandson of Nazi doctor Josef Mengele, announced this result to his 28 year experiment at a press confrence at the Sao Paulo Hilton. Mengele attributed this failure to elements that were beyond his control saying, "All of the elements of Hitler's life which I was able to control occured successsfully. The death of his father, taunts from fellow school children, awkward erections, the cancellation of his favorite radio program, "Jurgen Spinkelmann's Fascist Fun Hour". I was unable, however to re-create World War I and its aftermath, which had a huge impact on Hitler."
According to press packets released by the doctor the experiment started with 88 clones, with the goal that a few of the clones would be successful. For various reasons the ammount of viable clones dwindeled over the years.
"There were a couple who died from SIDS, several were killed in automobile accidents over the years, a few committed suicide, one entered the priesthood, another became a cartoonist, one converted to Judaism, a few became Soldiers of Fortune, a bunch just write horrible fan fiction," said Mengele, "so in the end I had approximately 10 clones who were in a position to re-capture the fuerur's glory.
The biggest problem came when no massive wars broke out in South America, for the young Hitler clones to go and fight in. Lack of a world war prevented any of the young Hitler's to gain combat experience, or see a once powerful nation's economy destroyed. While the conflict over the Falkland Islands presented a possible opportunity, Brazil's refusal to enter to aid the defeated Argentinians prevented this from occuring. That the war happened when the oldest of the clones was only 11 years old did not help.
Mengele informed the audience that he knew as far back as 2001, that the experiement would not be successful. Saying, "After that time I did what I could to make money off of this expensive failure."
This included a reality show where several of the clones lived in a house together and their interactions were recorded and clues were slowly revealed to inform the housemates that they were exact genetic duplicates of each other. Mengele also harvested organs from clones when they got into fatal or near-fatal accidents, sold them into the sex trade, and used them as a cheap source of labor. He also sat 3 dozen of the clones in front of three dozen type writers for 3 dozen days, creating the well-known Brazilian addage that, "if you sit 3 dozen Hitler's in front of 3 dozen typewriters for 3 dozen days they'll write The Complete Works of Dr. Seuss".
As a result of his actions he was able to re-coup all of the money, nearly 7 million Canadian dollars, which he had spent on the experiement and is expected to gross more following this announcement.
"He'll make more money from interviews, a tell-all book, and touring the mad scientist lecture circuit," said mad scientist finance expert Vincent Rawlings.
When asked why he chose to announce the results of his experiment at this time Mengele responded, "Well, I just sold all of the living clones to Iran to make up an elite all-Hitler fighting squad. I just thought you all should get a head's up."
posted by Patrick at 5:05 PM
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