King Arthur Returns In England’s Greatest Hour Of Need

London-King Arthur, England’s legendary monarch, returned in response to Britain’s greatest hour of need, Tuesday.

According to legend, the King was taken to the mystical island of Avalon, following a final battle against his son by his half sister, Mordred. Once there he was buried, and it was said that he slept, and would one day wake and return to help his subjects in the hour of their greatest need. It was revealed that day was Tuesday, October 11, 2005.

It has before been speculated that Arthur returned in the form of another great Briton. Some had postulated that is was Admiral Horatio Nelson; others believed it was Arthur Wellesley, the Duke of Wellington, who shares his first name with Britain’s greatest king; while some point to Sir Winston Churchill, who led England through the Second World War; there is even a small contingent who believed he returned in the form of young Harry Potter, a fictional wizard. Arthur’s return, however, has demonstrated that these speculations are incorrect, and these men, were merely great Britons.

“I have returned, Britain, in this, your hour of greatest need,” Arthur triumphantly announced, at a press conference Tuesday afternoon, having donned a suit, after having appeared earlier in the day wearing a suit of armor.

After completing this brief statement the King opened-up for questions from the press.

“I think this is a rather obvious question,” said [New York Times Reporter] Lucille Gupta, “You remained on Avalon during two world wars and numerous other threats to Britain. Why have you chosen this time to return?”

“Dear maiden, I have returned at this time, because I am needed most urgently. The people of Britain need me desperately at this time, considering events involving two of our most important citizens. The recent cocaine related drug charges that have not only implicated the fair Kate Moss, but the honorable [gender-bending musician] George Alan O'Dowd [better known as Boy George].” the legendary King responded.

“This is by far the moment where my presence is most needed, in the 1500 years since my death,” he concluded.

This did nothing but generate more questions from the reporters assembled at Westminster Abbey, where the press conference was held.

Following his answer to Ms. Gupta’s question, the King informed his audience that he had no more time, as he had to leave promptly for a meeting he had scheduled with Prime Minister Tony Blair.

He met with the Prime Minister for several hours on Tuesday evening, when the King left 10 Downing Street, at 8:00 GMT; he declined to answer any questions posed to him by reporters.

The Prime Minister refused to comment on the subject or the contents of the pair’s meeting.

Hurricanes Sets Back South’s Rising Again 30 years

Richmond, VA-The aftermath of Hurricanes Rita and Katrina have pushed back southern efforts to “rise again“ by 30 years, Truman Parker, the President of the Confederate States of America, announced on Monday.

Parker, who was elected to a second term in 2003, had remained silent on the subject since it occurred last month, broke his silence yesterday when he gave a speech at the Confederate Capitol.

“Though the date of seccession, had been set for summer 2010, because of recent events we believe that the earliest possible date for the Confederacy’s return to power will be Fall/Winter 2040” Parker announced before a special joint session of the Confederate Congress.

Parker also announced that the Confederate government would be providing an economic stimulus package for the sum of 250 million [Confederate] Dollars. The stimulus package is an attempt to rehablitate industry in the states affected by last month’s hurricanes. This would be of great assistance to the souths two major industries, both of which are based on the Gulf Coast.

Richmond insiders speculate that 1/3 or roughly 83 million dollars, of the monies set aside by the government will be used to help with the recovery of their textile industry. They speculate that the remaining 167 million dollars will be used to assist their primary industry, producing paraphanalia adorned with the Confederate Battle Standard or “Southern Cross”, which many people mistakenly believe to be the CSA’s flag.

Roscoe L. Breckinridge, a Nobel Prize winning economist and professor at The University of Chicago, believes that the money will be used to help additional sectors of the Confederate economy.

“A good deal of money will, most likely be put into the production and release of several [stand-up comedian] ‘Larry the Cable Guy’ records. In a similar vein they will probably put money into the production of various products bearing [his catch-phrase] ’Git-R-Done’” Breckinridge said in a phone interview from Chicago.

The economic stimulus bill is expected to be introduced into both the House and the Senate in the next week.