Point-Counterpoint: Poverty

Please Sir, Spare a Quid?

By Rufus Walpole, Beggar

'ello good sir. 'ow are you and the Misses this fine evening. Now I was hoping that a fine gent like yourself, would be able to help me. You and your beautiful wife are surely well-off. You see I used to be the best bootblack in all of Whitechapel, 'owever due to circumstances beyond my control I've become unemployed and been forced live without a home for nigh on two years, and I was wondering if you would spare a pound. I'll take something else, Sixpence, a handful of Guineas, some shillings, anything really. Please kind lady, help old feller out. I really need your 'elp. All you 'ave do is show me a little of your kindness and I'll go away, that's the last that you'll see of old Rufie Walpole. Then I will go along my merry way to live the last days of my 'orrible live amongst the streetwalkers and pickpockets. You'll never 'ear another word out of me as long as I live. Please kind sir, lovely madam, spare me a quid?

Get Away From Me Rapscallion!

Sir Gareth Salisbury, Earl of Kent

Good sir! I demand that you get your hands away from me and my beautiful bride forthwith. Have you any idea in that small empty head of yours who we are, young waif? I am none other than the honourable Sir Gareth Salisbury, Earl of Kent, and this is my wife Countess Charlotte. Yes, I know she is lovely, however, that is beside the point. No young ruffian, I will not endeavour to share some of my unearned riches with you. Why not? It is an unsound investment, that's why. You'll probably spend my money on something wasteful and temporary, perhaps, two Shepard's pies, three sausages and a pint of Ale at Admiral Higgenbottom's Pub. I'd rather endow my monies into a mine of some sort or perhaps paying foreigners to build railroads. Perhaps, you should look into becoming gainfully employed, like a fine upstanding young man. Now if you'd kindly leave us be, we are on our way to view a delightful new Operetta from Mssrs. Gilbert & Sullivan. Sir, if you continue molesting my Lady and I, I will be forced to take action. I have a good mind to rap you with my cane. Off with you ruffian!

Nerd Accidentally Joins JSA not JSA

Litiz, PA- Tragedy struck Wednesday at Warwick High School, when Isaac Hendrix accidentally joined the Junior State of America.

According to sources close to the victim all the problems began with the year's first activity schedule. It all began when Hendrix, 14, a comic book enthusiast, looked at the list of various clubs that would be meeting during the course of the school year.

"It was all pretty standard stuff." said Arthur O'Malley a friend of Hendrix's, "You know, FBLA (Future Business Leaders of America), Drama Club, German Club, Debate Club, the stuff everyone has. Then, Isaac saw something and he couldn't believe his eyes. He read it three of four times, but his eyes were right."

"I saw JSA and I couldn't believe it," Hendrix said at a press conference Thursday afternoon, "I mean I hadn't heard that the Justice Society of America had Auxiliary branches in the first place, much less here at Warwick High."

There was a reason that Hendrix had never heard that the Justice Society of America had a Youth Auxiliary. They don't.

At 8:05 Wednesday morning Hendrix arrived at Troy Fillmore's classroom for the meeting of the Warwick High School chapter of JSA. It didn't take long for Hendrix to realize something was horribly wrong.

"The first sign I had that I was in the wrong place was that they didn't mention any of the names of the members of the JSA. No Hawkgirl, Wonder Woman III, Sand or even the Sandman, that was when I began to suspect that something was wrong.

Something had gone wrong. Isaac Hendrix was not at a meeting of the Justice Society of America Youth Auxiliary, but in fact at a meeting of the Junior State of America, a student-run group for youth interested in politics.

The Junior State of America, which has served to inform students about the wonder of Democracy since its founding in 1934. Despite a name change from the Junior Statesmen of America in 1968 the mission of the group has remained the same.

When asked to comment, JSA Warwick Chapter President Heidi Gray said that this was the first time that anyone had ever confused the two organizations, to her knowledge.

When asked what he thought about the fact that there was no Justice Society of America Youth Auxiliary, Hendrix Said, "I knew that it was too good to be true."

Hendrix however, does plan to remain a member of the Junior State of America. "After all," he said, "I did pay them five bucks for membership."

Wonder Twin Powers Fail to Activate

Hall of Justice-Horror erupted in Metropolis this past week when the powers of the Wonder Twins, Zan and Jayna failed to activate. This marks the first time in the Twins' 25 plus year crime-fighting career that they failed to respond to a call for help.


The twins who following a tumultuous youth as members of Prof. Phinneas Q. Hornswaggle's Incredible Space Circus, went on to join the Justice League of America in 1975. During years touring the universe they came to discover how to control their amazing powers. After escaping the living hell that was performing 32 times a week 51 ¾ weeks a year, the twins made their way towards Earth, where they hoped to find a better life. All they found, however, was a world warped by crime and corruption.


After attempting to free the world of crime (almost) single-handedly, they came to the attention of Batman, the head of the Justice League of America, who asked them to join the League; there they put their powers to work. Jayna who could transform into any animal and Zan who could change into anything water-related that could help solve the situation, became fixtures on the Crime Fighting circuit.


This past Thursday, the Justice League was in the midst of responding to a report from their Justice-Computer, to a crime-in-progress, courtesy of the Injustice League of the World. Upon arriving the Wonder Twins decided that they would do their part to rectify the problem. Shortly after Zan said that he would turn into, "A rack of Ice-Cubes", and his sister informed the world that she'd turn into an, "Albino Corinthian Grizzly Bear", the two put their rings together and uttered their immortal signature phrase, however, unlike the thousands of times before, their powers failed to activate.


Fortunately the remainder of the team; whose powers quake in comparison to those of the Wonder Twins, were miraculously able to stop the evil-doers from completing their vile mission.


"Thank God for the other members of the Justice League" Said Zan, when reached for comment in regards to the incident.


"Yes," agreed Jayna, "had it not been for Batman, Superman, Wonder Woman, the Flash, Hawkman, the Green Arrow, the Martian Manhunter, the Green Lantern, Aquaman, and Captain Marvel, [the Injustice League Members] Chronos and Poison Ivy, very well may have succeeded in their intentions of illegally crossing the street."


Shortly thereafter, Zan and Jayna went to the prestigious Mayo Clinic Rochester, MN, where they underwent testing to see what may have caused their powers to malfunction. Their test results have failed to indicate what may have caused the incident.

New Harry Potter Book Not as Good as Man's Fan Fiction

Madison, WI- The much anticipated release of the sixth and second to last, installment of the Harry Potter series, Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince, did not live up to the expectations of local resident Alcibiates Miller. Miller, 23, currently a Graduate Student at the University of Wisconsin, voiced his disappointment at the plot of the newly released book.

"The book was good, I admit. I just believe that my fan-fiction version of Harry Potter's sixth year at Hogwarts was superior." Miller announced to reporters at a press conference he held on Sunday after reading the latest volume of the Potter saga.

When a reporter questioned Miller as to his complaints against this most recent of J.K. Rowling's novels, Miller, explained his problems with the book.

"Firstly, it was very light on [Professor] Lupin, who I believe that according to the Supreme Court kicks-ass. I also disliked the increasing lack of Quidditch coverage. I did, however, like the increased development of the Harry-Dumbledore relationship."

Miller, who began writing his version of Harry Potter's sixth adventure after he finished reading Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix during the summer of 2003, had to make huge revisions after the announcement of the title of the newly released Harry Potter book, but still managed to complete his version in March of this year. Miller closed the press conference by saying,

"I have a comparative list of occurrences in my Half-Blood Prince and, happenings in Rowling's if you have any other questions."

Miller's version of the Half-Blood Prince is available from Random House publishing for $24.95.

We have re-printed Miller's list, which contains spoilers, which we have attempted to minimize.


Miller-Remus Lupin becomes Minister
of Magic

Rowling-Rufus Scrimgeour becomes Minister of Magic

Miller- Harry leaves the Dursley's after beating
Dudley in a Pie Eating contest

Rowling-Dumbledore arbitrarily takes Harry
to the Weasley's

Miller-A Mad-Eye Moody robot teaches
Defense Against The Dark Arts

Rowling-Snape is the new Defense Against
the Dark Arts teacher

Miller-Snape eats a first year to show
students not to mess with him
Rowling-Snape takes points from Gryffindor
because Harry is tardy


Miller-The Half-Blood Prince is an actual
Prince

Rowling-The Half-Blood Prince is a former
Hogwarts student

Miller-Every single Quidditch match is told
with breath-taking detail

Rowling-One Quidditch is matched described,
and not very well

Miller-Harry awkwardly loses his virginity

Rowling-Harry briefly dates Ginny Weasley
Miller-Voldemort was well-adjusted, despite
being raised in a crappy orphanage

Rowling-Being raised in an orphanage in addition
to a crappy family back round, messed
Voldemort up

Miller-Voldemort kills Barnabus Jenkins,
Harry's Friend who is introduced
in this novel, and is an excellent
Quidditch player

Rowling- _________ kills __________ while
Harry looks on with horror unable
to do anything


Miller-Sirius Black isn't really dead, he
returns and kicks Voldemort's ass,
so that Harry is saved from mortal
peril once more


Rowling-Sirius Black stays dead


Miller-The Half-Blood Prince is
Fibblewort Aberswyth the Prince
of Bulogne, a Wizard with extraordinary
powers

Rowling-____________ is the Half-Blood Prince,
which is revealed after he/she kills
______________

Where Are They Now: The Planeteers

Kwame- Following the Disbandment of the Planeteers Kwame returned to his homeland, where he began working with the government to prevent the destruction of the nation's environment. After a several years and a few Coups, Kwame found himself the nation's president. After going to New York City for a presentation to the United Nations, he was informed by his nation's U.N. ambassador, that there had been a Coup in his absence. He chose to live as a voluntary exile. He is currently an Executive Vice-President of the Sierra Club. He lives in San Francisco with his wife and 2 children.

Wheeler-The former loose cannon of the Planeteers, left the team in 1996, just prior to the group's disbandment. For several years after leaving the Planeteers, he attempted to do free-lance work for the planet, but, there wasn't a lot of work available for guys who hadn't finished high school, and wanted to help the planet. So Wheeler set out to change that. He earned his GED in 1998, and then attended prestigious DeVry University. He currently works for Ladder Co. No. 219, fighting to control the element he once commanded. He lives alone in Brooklyn, NY

Linka- Linka began a successful import company following the fall of the Iron Curtain in 1992. She successfully ran this business on-the-side, while she focused on planeteering. In 1997, her relationship with Captain Plant came to light, causing a major scandal and eventually the disbandment of the Eco-Terror battling Task-Force. She now works full-time importing goods from the Former Soviet Union. She lives in Boston, MA with her son Viktor Planet-Raskolnikov

Gi- Gi was crushed by the scandal that brought an abrupt end to the Planeteers. Following months of dealing with crippling depression, she checked herself into a mental health facility in Switzerland. She emerged 2 years later, finally comfortable with what happened in the last days of the Planeteers. She went to college and is currently one China's foremost Marine Biologists. She lives in Hong Kong with her husband of 4 years.

Ma-Ti-The youngest Planeteers had one of the brightest futures. After the group stopped its ground-breaking work, Ma-Ti began working for the Environmental Lobby in Washington, D.C., where he was the lobby's most successful lobbyist in regards to rainforest destruction. While doing his work to save the rainforest Ma-Ti was diagnosed with Heart Disease. He then put all his efforts towards spreading awareness of his disease. Ma-Ti died in 2001.

Captain Planet- Following the disbandment of the Planeteers, things went badly for Captain Planet. Firstly all his closet friends left him; secondly he was under investigation for having sexual relations with a minor. His tryst with Linka failed to give him love; it only succeeded in giving him jail time and child support payments. In 1997 he pled No Contest to 276 counts of Statutory Rape, and was sentenced to spend 5 years in prison. While in prison, he had an incredible transformative experience, and converted to Islam. He was released from prison in 2002. He is now named Omar Abdullah Ibn Haroun al Sharif, and lives in Dearborn, MI; where he owns a McDonalds franchise.

Plum Found Guilty

Lincoln, MA- After months of trial and days of deliberation, jurors finally reached a verdict in the trial of [Amherst College] Professor Hubert Plum. Jurors found Plum guilty of the murder of Mr. Fredrick Body, on Monday. "We have conclusively found him guilty of murdering Body in the Conservatory with a candlestick" the jury's Foreman informed the court. It is believed that Plum may had been found innocent had it not been for the bombshell testimony of one of the Professor's associates, who requested to be referred to only as "Mr. Green". Plum will be formally sentenced on Friday,July 29th. Plum faces the possibility of life in prison with out parole.

Man's Name an Accident Or Coincidence

New York- After weeks of believing that he was the inspiration for the novel Professor Fogherty's Fantabulous Pancake Machine, Columbia University Physics Professor Jared Fogherty learned that he in fact was not the inspiration for the children's book published by Viking Publishing company's children's book division. "Apparently", Said Fogherty, "The use of my name was 'accidental or coincidental'." "I guess that I won't be known for bringing joy to millions of children, only for is winning the [1998] Nobel Prize [for Physics]."

Benedict XVI Gets Ride Pimped

The Vatican- When Pope Benedict XVI was confirmed as the successor to Pope John Paul II, many belived that his policies would be a continuation of those of his predecessor. This past week however, the recently appointed Pontiff showed a clear break with the policy of John Paul II.

The Popmobile, the beloved vehicle used to transport the Pope around large groups for public appearences has undergone a durastic change. The Popmobile was given a make-over when BenedictXVI handed his beloved automobile over to Xibit and his crew at the MTV television program "Pimp My Ride". This marks the first change in the Popmobile in nearly XXV years, at a time when the Catholic church is struggling to reach out to a more untraditional communities.

When the Holy Father was shown his newly pimped ride, he was beside himself with delight. He couldn't believe the body had been made to look like a Cadillac Escalade, and was impressed that newly installed bullet-proof glass made his new car as safe as its old bubble-roof incarnation. He knew that his entourage of Cardinals would get hours of enjoyment from the VII DVD players and IX PS2's, in addition to rocking-out to the incredible sound system complete with IV Subwoofers and VI Amplifiers. He also was pleased with the addition of a sunroof, from which he could emerge for public appearences.


The "Pimp My Ride" Special "Pimpin' 4 the Pope" will appear sometime this fall.