Man Discovers That Richard Henry Lee Was Far Cooler Than Film Portrayal Lead Him To Believe

Grinnell, IA,- Michael Schroeder, a sophomore at Grinnell College, learned to his amazement that [Colonial American Statesman] Richard Henry Lee, was far cooler than his portrayal in the film “1776”, had lead him to believe. Schroeder, a Political Science major, with a History minor, made the amazing discovery when he was looking through his new textbook for his HIS 311-01 Politics in the Early American Republic class. Schroeder’s only previous exposure to Lee, was his brief appearance in the 1972 movie version of the Broadway musical, 1776. Lee, who was in-fact the sixth President of The United States under the Articles of Confederation, was one of Virgina’s first two senators, and is also considered the father of the tenth amendment; all this of course is in addition to his introduction of the resolution that lead to the Declaration of Independence.“I totally, thought he was some horse-riding jackass who loved his last name.” Schroeder said when reached for comment. “I now know he wasn‘t a jackass, he was a Badass!”

Shadow Government Senator Wishes He Received The Same Quality Healthcare As Actual Senator

Washington, D.C.- Hank Thompson, the junior Shadow Senator from the state of Michigan wished that he received the same healthcare as actual Senators, he announced on Wednesday.

Thompson, who was selected as Michigan’s Shadow Senator in the year 2003, lamented the inadequacies of the healthcare system that keeps the members of America’s real legislative branch healthy and serving their nation.

“They [the members of the actual Senate], receive the finest healthcare in the United States, the quality of the care they recieve is second only to the President‘s.” Thompson said during a Shadow Press Conference he held from the Press Room of the Shadow Senate; located in the Shadow Capitol just a stone’s throw from the actual Capitol on Capitol Hill

“While they‘re all receiving incredible care at Bethesda Naval [Hospital], we’re getting nothing. Our healthcare plan consists of going to Canada, and receiving free, and sub-par healthcare from them!” He proclaimed to cheers from other members of the Shadow Senate.

Then Thompson, the ranking Shadow Democrat on the Shadow Weighs and Means Committee, arrived at the reason that he had called a gathering of all Shadow Senate’s Shadow Press Corps.

“That is why we have gathered you here today,” continued Thompson, for the first time acknowledging that there was a purpose to the press conference besides his Shadow Bitching. “We of the Shadow Senate of the United States of America, have passed a bill, entitling us to the same quality of healthcare currently received by the Actual Senate of the United States, and that they will be relegated to using forged documents to receive free healthcare from the government of Canada!” He finished, recieving a rousing cheer from the other members of the Shadow Senate.

“I believe this is a great step forward.” said Christian Farris, the senior Shadow Senator from the state of Washington, “We are finally on the path to receiving the medical treatment we so richly deserve.”

This bill still has to pass in the Shadow House of Representatives, after which the two versions of the bill will be reconciled.

Weinhard Shot in Duel

Weehawken, NJ- Long time Portland, Oregon brewer Henry Weinhard was fatally wounded and subsequently died at the age of 149, after fellow Pacific Northwest brewer Thomas Kemper shot him in a duel, on Thursday.

The elderly Weinhard had been on good terms with Kemper after he began brewing his products in Seattle, WA during the mid-nineteen-eighties. The two contentedly brewed with a small rivalry for several years, however, the once amiable relationship between the two Brewery Barons, began to grow sour, and their relationship began to deteriorate as Kemper’s sales began to encroach on Weinhard‘s.

Their relationship all but ended in 1998 when, at the Annual International Beverage Brewer’s Conference, held in Toronto, Kemper won the coveted position as the exclusive supplier of brewed goods to the royal family of Liechtenstein, a contract that had been Weinhard’s for 87 years. Though Kemper attempted to reconcile with Weinhard, the elderly brewer would have none of it.

After going five years without so much as looking at each other, in 2003 Weinhard and Kemper began corresponding. Kemper had begun their correspondence in an attempt to return to good terms with Weinhard. They happily exchanged letters for a year and a half, however this happy time soon came to an end, when in early 2005 Weinhard discovered that Kemper had been a chief contributor to the Senatorial campaign of Ron Wyden (D-OR), the man whom Weinhard had unsuccessfully run against for the United States Senate in the year 2000. Wyden had barely beaten Weinhard, due to a last minute flurry of advertisements. The defeat crushed Weinhard

Following his discovery of Kemper‘s campaign contributions, Weinhard began to the lengthy process of challenging his one-time friend to a duel. After Weinhard completed the process, he and Kemper agreed to duel in a neutral place that still allowed dueling. They entered Weehawken, New Jersey, under the Guise of being historical re-enactors, re-creating the Hamilton-Burr duel of 1804.

Onlookers watched as what they believed to be the re-enactment began. They did not realize something was wrong until it was far too late. With a flourish, Kemper, disguised as Hamilton, shot Weinhard, who appeared to onlookers to be Aaron Burr. After the fatal shot was fired Kemper, is reported as saying, “Take that old man!”

Before proceeding to run off.

The crowd who were suffering from what Psychologists call a classic “Diffusion of Responsibility” failed to act in a manner to help Weinhard or apprehend Kemper, until it was too late.

Authorities are still on the lookout for Kemper, they request that anyone who might have information call their Duel Victim Hotline at 1-800-555-SHOT-IN-A-DUEL.

"Aquarock" Pioneer Jabberjaw Found Dead At 49

Aqualaska- Aquarock pioneer, and drummer for the influential band, The Neptunes Jabberjaw was found dead in his hotel room on at the age of 49.

Jabberjaw was born Yaakov Theodore Levy on September 18^th, 1956. He was raised by Vaudevillian performers, whose careers ended shortly after the birth of their son. After being introduced to percussion after joining the Hannibal Hamlin Elementary school band at the age of 10, he fell in love with playing the drums. After a brief high school career he left Chester A. Arthur High School to pursue a future in music. Before beginning his career, Levy believed that he wouldn't go far with his birth name, and that he needed a stage name. He selected a nickname the talkative young shark had received in school, Jabberjaw.

Shortly after leaving school, he joined Billy Cooper and the Constantinople Boingers, where he met his best friend and fellow Neptune Max "Clamhead" Fredricks. Together, Jabberjaw and Fredricks were the creative force behind the band and their many hits. After 4 years of playing together, Billy Cooper and the Constantinople Boingers broke-up. He and Fredricks moved on and soon started a new band, one that would be remembered for its influence on music for decades to come. A band called The Neptunes.

The legendary Neptunes were made up of three members in addition to Fredricks on bass and Jabberjaw on the drums.

The first member to join was their new guitarist Biff Jones, who had formerly been the lead guitarist of both The Honey Shrine, and The Riot Dude Company, who both had minor hits shortly before disbanding. Jones was known for being level-headed and helping to keep his band mates grounded.

The next member to join the band was Bubbles Sunburst Anderson; the love-child of hippies, she joined the band on keyboards following training as a classical pianist at the Curtis Institute in Philadelphia. Anxious for work she took the first job she found.

The last piece of the puzzle was completed when the co-founder of Blindfolded Axe, Shelly Howard became the final member of the band playing lead tambourine, despite her venomous personality, she was tolerated, because the band desperately needed her talent. Together, this new band set-off to conquer the music world.

They first started off by working clubs in the ever growing number of undersea cities, which were becoming more and more renowned for their music. They toured most of the major cities, hitting at least every major club in Aqualaska, Aquaustria, Aqualabama, and Aqualtoona. After creating a sizeable following the band entered the studio, producing their first album, Aqualung, which produced such hits as Deep Sea Lover Girl, and Tigress.

Following the production of the album they did their first world tour. This tour and their subsequent albums were so successful, that in the year 1976 a 16-Part documentary of the band, called Jabberjaw, about the band, specifically focused on their drummer's adventures, while touring. While the documentary did show that Jabberjaw was beginning to exhibit some erratic behavior, acting in a manner reminiscent of both Curly Howard and Rodney Dangerfield, the documentary failed to show the drummer's growing dependence of Amphetamines, and "Sea Weed". Jabberjaw's addiction nearly caused the band's demise on several occasions. He saved the band however, after checking himself into the Betsea Ford Clinic, to deal with his drug problem.

After he was released he returned to the band, and they entered an unprecedented period of productivity, producing 4 albums and going on 3 world tours in the space of 2 ½ years. This however, took its toll on the other members of the band causing Jones to burnout and Anderson to have a nervous breakdown. Shortly thereafter the band decided to call it quits in 1980.

After the band's break-up Jabberjaw once again turned to drugs. He turned his back on the world focusing entirely on his habit. Finally he sought help and he once again went into rehab in 1983, emerging several months later clean once more. This wouldn't last for long. He continued to battle drugs on-and-off for nearly a decade, the turning point came in 1994. While on a trip to Aquavelva, to scout musical talent for his record label Deep See Records, he overdosed on Crack-Cocaine in his hotel room. Luckily he was discovered several minutes later by hotel employees who were bringing him food he had ordered a half-hour earlier. He was taken to a hospital, and later made a full recovery from his injuries, suffering only slight brain damage.

Following this life-changing experience, Jabberjaw began to focus on producing music. After several years of producing several influential bands, Jabberjaw began to consider performing once again. In 1999 after nearly 20 years apart, he and The Neptunes had a reunion tour and a subsequent live album, both of which were highly successful. After the tour Jabberjaw began to work with a new band, Jabberjaw and the Osteopaths.

The Band released several albums, all of which were moderately successful. While he worked with The Osteopaths, he continued to produce the music of others, create music with The Neptunes, and began to direct music videos.

He was in Aqualaska touring with The Osteopaths when he was found dead in his hotel room, on Tuesday.

Op-Ed: The Old Fart Cometh

Where's The World Of Tomorrow

R. Merlyn Farnsworth
Crotchety Old Man

I have seen many marvelous things in this long life of mine. I've seen things come to pass that I could never imagine, more times than I can count. I've also been able to see many inventions that were at one time Science Fiction become Science Fact. There is, however on problem. There are a lot of things that haven’t happened.

Firstly, where the hell is my Jet-Pack!?!?! Back when I was a kid you couldn't listen to the radio without every other schmuck and his uncle having a Jet-Pack. Where are they? Surrre, we went to the moon, broke the sound-barrier, invented computers smaller and faster than we could have imagined 60 years ago. Yeah, now we have stealth technology, and cellular phones and all that other shit that was on Star Trek, but what about the thing that really matters; personal transportation devices. All those other contraptions have come to pass, and to get around the best that humanity has is the Segway "Human Transporter".

Secondly, why don't I live in space?!?! When I was a youngin' me and the gang… you know, the boys, Schmidtty, Schmul, Jackie, Stinky, and Bobby, well, we all knew that we'd be living on space colonies. I was going to live on Mars, and be an Architect, designing wonderful Art-Deco reminiscent buildings for the cities of Mars. I'd cruise the planet's surface in my bubble-topped hover-car, and then enter the welcoming bubble of the Martian capital of Shackleton, for lunch with the planetary Governor, my old friend, the Honorable Schmul Meier; where we would feed upon the finest Chazwozzle's courtesy of Governor of Venus, Schuyler "Stinky" Stinkovitch. Today though, I sit in a house my rich son, bought me, living on a generous stipend and the money I invested during my years of work, my only companions being my beloved Basset Hound Turold and my loving wife Marilyn.

Here's another question I have, why are we still using guns? Everyone, whether it was Buck Rogers or Flash Gordon or Pip Johnston, they all used ray-guns, to solve problems and maintain the laws of the 21^st, 22^nd,& 25^th centuries. Why hasn't man in all it's wisdom, learned to use the power of the Lazar to fight the battles of today and tomorrow. It's cheap, safe, and not to mention clean, it's obviously a huge advance over the weapons of my youth as well as the slightly more sophisticated weapons of today.

Maybe I wasn't meant to live a wonderful life of ease and luxury in the world of tomorrow. I just hope that humanity gets its act together, so my grandchildren don't have to live through the expectation and then soul-crushing disappointment of their dreams for the future failing to pass. I need a nap!

Scientist Disappointed to Discover Cure for Cancer

Bethesda, MD- A spokesman of The National Institute of Health Office of AIDS Research was disappointed to announce that one of their scientists, Dr. Sanjay Mueller had discovered a cure for cancer.

Mueller, an Englishman of less than average height with dark coloring the son of immigrants, whose interest in AIDS research began following his brother's death from the disease in 1993 spoke for reporters on Thursday, after the unprecedented discovery was announced in a press release.

"I've been working on my research into the treatment of AIDS in hopes of finding a cure, since 1994. I have experienced many successes and many failures. This past week, however, I encountered my largest failure. When my partner and I tested a new medicine that we thought may have been a vaccine for AIDS, we discovered that we had not solved this problem, but had stumbled across a cure for cancer."

When reporters asked if the cure was limited certain strains of the disease, he informed them it cured all types.

"Leukemia, Lymphoma, Breast cancer, you name it, this cure will take care of it" Said Mueller, with a look of immense sadness on his face.

Though Mueller and his colleagues at the NIH are disappointed, medical authorities around the world are ecstatic. The Centers for Disease Control, announced the beginning of the cure's mass-production, for use as soon as possible, without waiting for the approval of the Food and Drug Administration. The President is expected to announce that Mueller and his research partner Dr. Jamie Saletore will be receiving the Presidential Medal of Freedom, the highest honor the United States can bestow upon a civilian.

"We are not going to allow this set-back to phase us. We are going to continue the work that we set out to do, finding either a cure or a vaccine to Advanced Immune Deficiency Syndrome" he said in closing, before he and his partner left with their heads hung in shame.

Mueller and Saletore are already rumored to already be on the "sort-list" for the Nobel Prize for Medicine, scarcely a day after the discovery was announced. There find is easily the most amazing medical achievement since the discovery and creation of the Polio vaccine by Dr. Jonas Salk in 1954.

Nickname For Man's Member, Also the Name of a Bestselling "Sex-Toy"

Spokane, WA- Seamus Goldberg discovered, to his horror that his nickname for his penis was also the name of a best-selling vibrator, Monday.

Goldberg, who was taken without his knowledge to the Downtown Spokane branch of Lover's Intimate Paradise, by his friends Jose Anderson, Diego Anderson (no relation), and Harold Dillon; who took Goldberg to the popular Spokane sex shop, as a prank.

"We felt like messing with him," said Dillon when reached for on Wednesday, "We thought that it would just be really funny, since Seamus is kind of squeamish about sex."

Goldberg who despite reading the sign of the store and seeing the windows were blacked out had no idea where he was, until he entered the store with his small group of friends. Only then, upon seeing the various sexual implements and pornographic materials did Goldberg realize where he was.

"We all got a pretty good laugh from his reaction," said Jose Anderson,

While he browsed the various wares of the store he came upon something shocking. Whilst perusing the aisles of "sex toys" he came upon a vibrator marketed under the name "Electric Glory" (Johnson's Family Dildo Company, $22.55). Upon seeing this device he called for his friends to come over.

"We all came running," said Dillon, "From whatever part of the store we were in to see what he wanted. When we got there we saw 'Electric Glory' and I couldn't believe my eyes. Then we all totally lost it."

As Dillon and the Andersons laughed, store employee and local band member Zeke Hernandez, came over to see what the commotion was.

"They asked me about that particular product," Hernandez said "I knew it well, 'Electric Glory' happens to be one of our bestsellers. Then I asked them why it hade caught their eye. They then informed me that 'Electric Glory' happened to be the nickname of their friend's penis."

During a late-night snack at an AM PM two years earlier, the then Gonzaga University Freshmen decided to name their genitals. Reportedly, Goldberg was the last member of the group to pick his name.

"The rest of us had already chosen one," Said Diego Anderson "Mine was 'Raging Cyclone', Jose's was 'Mighty Grizzly' and I think Dillon's was 'Apocalyptic Death Squad'; But, Seamus still hadn't gone. He was taking his time. After a few minutes he said 'I have it! Mine's called, Electric Glory'."

Goldberg is currently applying to get the name of his penis changed, but his friends have not ruled on his request.

Professor Discovers That Film is Not About the Feudal Lords of a Little-Known Duchy

Ithaca, NY- Dr. Iago Franciscus, PhD discovered that the movie he went to see at the Pyramid Mall 10 Cinemas was not in fact a historical documentary, but a piece of mass-produced Hollywood Comedy. Franciscus, a history professor at Ithaca College, attended the 7:45 showing of the new Warner Bros. film, The Dukes of Hazzard, believing it to be a documentary about a line of Medieval dukes. "I first thought things might be amiss, when I saw that the audience wasn't made-up of the usual documentary crowd" Said Franciscus following the incident. This suspicion was later confirmed when the film began. "When it opened with a car chase, I knew that I had made a mistake" he concluded. He left the theatre several minutes later and spent the remainder of the evening committed to more academic pursuits.