Long-Lost Shakespeare Sequel Discovered

Stratford-Upon-Avon, UK- Jane Livingstone, a doctoral student at Oxford University discovered a long-lost play by playwright William Shakespeare, last week.

According to a statement that Livingstone released yesterday, she discovered the play while conducting research of the lesser known works of William Shakespeare for her doctoral dissertation.

“We are proud to announce the discovery of what is believed to be the only remaining manuscript of ‘The Friar and The Nurse’. Which we have dated to between 1594-1597” members of Oxford University’s Shakespeare Society announced in a press confrence early Wednesday.

Though the play, which is a sequel to Shakespeare’s 1594 tragedy Romeo and Juliet, following a subsequent love affair between [Romeo’s confidant] Friar Lawrence and Juliet’s Nurse, has only recently been discovered, it is mentioned in numerous Shakespeare contemperaries.

In his 1598 when speaking of Shakespeare, Sir Thomas Quinn said, “He hath giv’n the public many plays. Amongst them the merry comedy Loves Labours Lost, the most sad tragedy Romeo and Juliet, and its most successful follow-on The Friar and The Nurse.”

The recent discovery of the play has excited the literary community at large, who are delighted by the appearance of a genuine lost Shakespeare play, after the appearance of other “Shakespeare plays” generally of spurious origin.

The manuscript will make its way to the British Library in London to be authenticated.

GOP Gains Control Following Student Body Elections

Olympia, WA- Following student body elections, at The Evergreen State College, it was revealed that the Republican Party had gained control of the campus’s student body government, Monday.

The GOP, whose total representation in the government had previously 5 of a possible 25 seats, revealed that after the weekend’s election, they now control 18 of 25 seats, and now possess a commanding majority.

Shocked that the results of the usually left-leaning elections went so strongly to the Republican’s, the heads of the other parties representing the students of The Evergreen State College, released a statement to all major media outlets.

“We are amazed at the results of the recent elections. The idea that a campus so devoted to progressive ideals, would be represented by members of the Republican Party seems absurd, at this time however, truth is stranger than fiction,” read the statement signed by Democratic minority whip Arthur “Goldie” Cole, Anarchist Cyrus Harris, and Socialist leader Eugene V. Debs VI.

The Republican’s victory has been attributed to several deft political maneuvers.

The party poured considerable funds and effort into the campaign, flooding the media with attack-ads against other candidates, as well as bringing in President George W. Bush, to campaign relentlessly on behalf of the candidates. These efforts overwhelmed the campus, whose liberal views were no match student body‘s voter apathy.

The republican’s were able to tap into traditional liberal strongholds, winning with voters who occupy modular housing, buildings F,G,H,I,M,N,P,Q,T, and U. All of these in addition to the Republican strongholds apartment buildings D and B, which for many years were the only buildings to elect Republican representation.

Also responsible for the resounding victory were the republican’s ability to tap into voting blocks, though “NASCAR Dads” and “Soccer Moms” were the blocks of past national elections, the GOP saw this as a perfect time to work with new voting blocks. The Republicans viewed this election as an opportunity to experiment ways through which they could discover how to reach out to young, traditionally liberal voters. The party went after a block they have dubbed “High Teens“, a block, who in their state of intoxication, were highly susceptible to suggestion, which led them to vote for candidates they otherwise would have abhorred.

When reached for comment Republican party head Horace Washington said, “In addition to the reasons outlined in our recent press release, we believe that part of our victory sprouted from the fact that the vast array of left-leaning party candidates split the liberal vote. Had there only been candidates from one of the parties, there might not have been such a large land slide in out favor.”

The new GOP headed government at The Evergreen State College will have to contend with the school’s liberal Judiciary.

Madman Tells Ophelia “Get Thee To A Nunnery”

Surf City, NC- Eccentric millionaire and local resident P. Zebulon Humbert was hospitalized following exposure to Hurricane Ophelia.

Mr. Humbert, 54 a Shakespeare enthusiast and co-founder of the Carolina Society of Shakespearean Scholars, braved the storm as it passed the North Carolina coast last week, according to authorities at the Outer Banks Regional Medical Center. Mr. Humbert reportedly left the safety of a shelter to approach the storm because it offered “A once in a lifetime opportunity” according to sources within the hospital.

According to a statement released by Mr. Humbert’s family, he ventured out into the elements and at the height of the storm shouted at the top of his lungs, “Get thee to a Nunnery”, quoting Hamlet’s rebuke of Ophelia in Act III, Scene II, of what many consider William Shakespeare’s greatest work.

“We are glad that he is now safe, and recovering,” the statement continued, “however, why he would put his life at risk for such a trivial reason is a mystery to us.”

Mr. Humbert has been in stable condition for the past several days, and is expected to be released from the hospital’s care within the next few days.

Following the events, involving Mr. Humbert the United States National Hurricane Center is considering removing the names of Shakespeare characters from the list annual list of names allotted for possible hurricanes, in order to avoid the possibility of copy-cats.

“Considering recent events in North Carolina, we might abandon the use of names that occur within the works of William Shakespeare. After all, the last thing we need is some fool going out in the middle of the category 4 Hurricane Romeo, so they can ask it, ’where for art thou Romeo?’. So adding names not featured in his plays, will be a foremost concern when creating the list of names for future hurricane seasons,”said Tobias Carson, a senior official with The United States National Hurricane Center, when reached for comment.

Since 1995 10 Hurricanes or Tropical Storms have occurred bearing the names of Shakespearian characters.

Milton Bradley Re-Calls “Big Stick”

Pawtucket, RI- Hasbro subsidiary and board game powerhouse Milton Bradley announced that it was recalling 15 million units of their bestselling game “Big Stick” Wednesday.

The game, which sells for $14.95 at most retail outlets, and has sold over 10 million copies, has been pulled from the shelves following the announcement.

“We have discovered a flaw in out product that may cause harm to millions of children and their family members,” announced Helen Dimitri, Senior Vice-President in charge of Game Production at a press conference on Wednesday, “That is why we are recalling all of the games that have been produced.”

“Big Stick”, which contains, as the name implies, a big stick, and two white cards each of which say “mercy” on them, is a simple game. It consists of two players, alternating turns at hitting each other with the stick, until one of the participants, gives the other their “Mercy Card”, at which point the game has concluded.

Since the game’s release in 2003 Hospitals in 36 states have reported over 2500 injuries attributed to game play. Whether or not this is the reason for the re-call is unknown.

Hasbro is offering re-funds of the games full-purchase price, plus tax to all those owners of the game who bring in their copies in compliance with the re-call.

What this means for the future of the game in unknown. Those knowledgable in the field of game collecting are already predicting that the re-call of the game will turn it into a collectors item amongst game aficionados.

“The amount of collectors who will now seek out this game as a result of the re-call in enormous. Current owners of the game would easily be able to sell it to a collector for more than triple the price tag that Milton Bradley is offering them for the game” said Michael Bartell-Powell, a game expert for Sotheby’s auction house.

Mr. Bartell-Powell’s prediction appears to be accurate, as recent auctions on internet auction site eBay have copies of the game selling for as much as ₤ 65.75.

Glomgold Released By Authorities

Duckburg- South African diamond baron Flintheart Glomgold, a Duckburg resident was released by Duckburg Police on Tuesday. This, after the results of an autopsy of recently deceased billionaire Scrooge McDuck, cleared him of any wrongdoing. The autopsy, which was performed on Monday, September 12, revealed that McDuck, 138 at the time of his demise, had been killed after “ingesting several dozen coins during the course of his daily swim”, which led the elderly McDuck to die of asphyxiation. After the results were given to Duckburg Police officials over the weekend, they released Mr. Glomgold, who had been in custody under suspicion of Murder Most Fowl since just after McDuck‘s death. When reached for comment Mr. Glomgold said, “I am glad that I have been cleared of the ludicrous charges that were brought against me in the aftermath of my rival‘s untimely death. I plan to continue my work increasing my fortunes, and offer my condolences to the McDuck family.”

“Jolly Green Giant” Weds “She-Hulk”

Le Sueur, MN- Local celebrity Theodore Greene, known to millions around the world as the “Jolly Green Giant”, married his long-time girlfriend Jennifer Walters, better known as the “She-Hulk”, in a simple wedding attended by friends and family, on Sunday. Walters, who works as an attorney at the law firm of Goodman, Lieber, Kurtzberg, & Holliway, in the Superhuman Law department, met Greene, who has worked as a mascot for the “Jolly Green” company, which he helped to found with some college friends from the University of Minnesota, in April of 2003, when he became one of the firm’s clients. Almost immediately attracted to each other, because of their similar and rare pigmentation, they began dating shortly thereafter. After dating for nearly a year-and-a-half, they became engaged in fall 2004. They have taken leave from their places of employment, for their honeymoon.

McDuck Found Dead in “Money Bin”

Duckburg- Long-time Duckburg resident and banking magnate Scrooge McDuck was found dead in his “Money Bin”, on Saturday.

McDuck, who was born into poverty in Scotland before becoming “The World’s Richest Duck” from gold mining and subsequently banking, had been a resident of Duckburg since immigrating to the United States in 1902. He built a storage facility for his money, so that he could monitor his wealth, which he called his “Money Bin”, on the hill adjacent to his mansion.

McDuck’s friends and family expressed sadness at the elderly banker’s demise, but found comfort in that he had lived a “Rich, long life” according to his nephew and Family Spokesman Donald F. Duck, who vowed the family would continue the work that his uncle started.

McDuck, who according to sources near the family, went swimming daily in the “Money Bin”, went missing after going for an evening swim on Friday. After drudging the bottom of the “Money Bin” for several hours on Saturday morning, they found his body. The cause of death is unknown, though an autopsy will take place on Monday.

The possibility of foul play is not being ruled-out; as was demonstrated when the Duckberg Police arrested the “Second Richest Duck in the World”, McDuck’s long-time rival, South African Diamond baron Flintheart Glomgold, at his home in Duckburg early Sunday morning.

The Billionaire’s Club of Duckburg, in which both McDuck and Glomgold hold membership, extended their condolences to the MacDuck family in a press release authored by fellow club member John D. Rockerduck, which was distributed to all press outlets on Saturday afternoon.

McDuck is survived by his Sister Matilda, Brother-In-Law Ludwig von Drake, Nephew Donald Duck, Niece Della Duck, and his Great-Nephews Huebert “Huey”, Deuteronomy “Dewey”, and Louis “Louie” Duck.

A Memorial service will be held at 2:30 on Saturday at the First Presbyterian Church of Duckburg. His family request that rather than donations to charity, monetary gifts be given to the family in McDuck’s name. “It’s what he would have wanted” his nephew added.

Ghost of F.D.R. Glad The Judiciary Reorganization Bill of 1937 Failed

Washington- Following both the resignation of Supreme Court justice Sandra Day O’Connor earlier this year, and the death of Chief Justice William Rehnquist on September 3rd, former United States President Franklin Delano Roosevelt’s Ghost admitted that he was glad that The Judiciary Reorganization Bill of 1937 failed passage, Sunday.

The Judiciary Reorganization Bill, in which President Roosevelt attempted to grant the President the power to add a new justice to the United States Supreme Court for every justice over the age of 70, failed passage by congress in the spring of 1937.

Though at the time it was considered a huge defeat, that lead to unpopularity in his second term, Roosevelt expressed his gratitude at the bill’s failure; considering recent events, which would lead current President George Walker Bush to appoint a good deal more justices.
Bush, who, like Roosevelt was a ‘C’ student at the Ivy League university he attended, holds views contrary to those of Roosevelt and has worked to un-do several of Roosevelt’s accomplishments, much like his political idol, former United States President Ronald Wilson Reagan.

“Mr. Bush, who as already acted in a manner to destroy Social Security, one of my enduring legacies, will most assuredly act in a manner to destroy more of the accomplishments of my administration” Roosevelt’s Ghost said in an appearance on NBC’s long-running political discussion program “Meet the Press”.

“Had he the power that the Judicial Reorganization Bill would have given him, he would undoubtedly appoint justices that were not in the best interest of the people of the United States. His would be an administration that would live in infamy!” he proclaimed while a shocked [NBC Washington Bureau Chief] Tim Russert looked on, unable to speak.
“I’d like to thank you for your time, Tim, and for letting me use your show as a forum so the American could hear what needed to be said”. The ghost said, before concluding by saying, “Now, however I must take my leave of you, for I have my monthly luncheon with [former United States Presidents, Abraham] Lincoln and [George] Washington.”

After the Roosevelt’s ghost left, Russert managed to re-gain the ability to speak, informing viewers that the next guests would be Senator Joe Biden (D-DE) and New York Times opinion columnist Thomas Friedman.

At his luncheon with the other great Presidents, it is reported that Roosevelt enjoyed a meal Sushi and Sauerkraut.

Process Server Embarrases Co-Workers By Proclaiming ‘You Got Served’, After Serving Process

Chicago- Jon Dagget, a process server employed by the prestigious Chicago law firm of Hawthorne, Proctor, and Putnam’s attempts to create a catch-phrase has embarrassed co-workers at the firm, according to his collegues on Friday.

Dagget, a graduate of the University of Chicago, who began working for the firm after graduating from the school with a Bachelor’s of Fine Arts, in Theater, has attempted to create a more Avant-Garde phrase to be used by the firm’s process servers whilst delivering court summons to the public.

“He felt the traditional, ‘consider yourself served’ that is told to each person after recieing their summons, wasn‘t unique enough for such a respected firm” said Sarah Vanderbilt, a fellow procees server at the firm.

“Yeah,” corroborated Martin Finch, an intern who has worked closely with Dagget, “whenever we‘d go out to serve people with their summons, and Jon [Dagget], would almost immediately after they accepted the papers shout at the top of his lungs, ’you got served!’. I mean talk about embarrassing ”

When reached for comment Dagget seemed oblivious to the embarrasment he has caused his coworkers.

“I was just trying to say something fun and interesting. I mean, being a process server gets really boring really fast. If someone has a problem with it they should see me about it, and not let me find out when a newspaper comes to interview me about it.” Dagget said, visibly fighting back tears before quickly retreating to his cubicle.

As of the publication of this article, Dagget’s co-workers had not yet offered any apologies for not speaking to him themselves.